They knew it was going to be hard to drag me across the threshold, but for Truly Good Friend I would do anything. And that includes going to Ikea. Because it was her birthday treat. And she loves it there. Funny Friend wasn’t exactly keen either but we both knew it had to be done, and to be honest, she took to it better than I did.
So there we were, hovering at the entrance, having been instructed by TGF to park on level 1 (because it would be where we came out) then go up in the lift to level 4, where we had to go in. Four levels… my heart sank. While TGF issued instructions about the yellow bags, shopping lists, pencils and tape measures (all provided, of course) I sent a sneaky text to AWOL Friend (who really needs a new name these days) ‘Stranded in Ikea – argghhh’. His response? ‘Please don’t send any photos!’ So of course, I immediately took one. A little solidarity would have been nice.
For the other person in the world who’s never been to an Ikea, it is all set out with a great deal of Swedish efficiency. You visit the room settings first to absorb all the bright ideas, and then have your chance to buy. I got to the second room before finding a comfortable chair next to a well stocked bookcase. “I’ll just stay here…” I ventured. But my friends weren’t listening. And anyway, on closer inspection the books were all in Swedish.
Several (well OK, countless) room settings later the baskets of merchandise on offer were becoming increasingly frequent. Ideal Home Exhibition eat your heart out – this is up selling at its best. Next to sinks and taps, the tool for making the hole in the sink to fit the tap. Very neat. Because most people wouldn’t even had thought about the tool. Or would have bought a sink that already had the holes punched in it. And some of the items available were completely incomprehensible; for example a foot long piece of plastic shaped into two semi-circles with a ridge between them. It was next to the spice racks, but none of us could even venture a guess at its function. And the labels, naturally, are in Swedish.
Once TGF had found a trolley I knew we were in trouble – but I cannot claim by that time I was completely empty handed myself. I have to admit to finding the perfect storage solution for my entangled collection of belts. And Mother has been looking for a 4.5 tog duvet for a very long time. At £4.99 it was a total bargain. And my purchases just about fitted into the trolley with TGF and FF’s burgeoning yellow bags of stuff. Stuff none of us knew we needed until we’d seen it. Very clever. First class Swedish marketing.
But it was a piece of first class Swedish engineering who had the last laugh. It was a glorious day and heading out into the New Forest for the afternoon we had planned to go cheerfully topless. But Midi was having none of it. She needs a fair amount of space to put her hood down and we had far too much stuff in the boot. Bugger. On the other hand, she should have been grateful for small mercies – the women parked next to us were resorting to removing the child seats from their car to fit everything in. I wonder if they left them on the tarmac, two lonely little monuments to advanced consumerism.
